Ripples
by JJLives
Summary: Takato helps Rika get through a difficult birthday.


**Ripples**

**Disclaimer: I do not own DIgimon in any way, shape or form. I just enjoy writing stories.**

"Rika?"

I looked up to see Takato leaning around the door frame to my room. I've been sitting against the frame of my bedroom's back door, the one that leads to the back yard, for some time now. Before Takato interrupted and drew my attention away I was looking out back, watching the fish nibble insects resting on the water. The ponds once glassy surface churned with activity. It was feeding time for the fish but the whole swarm of insects seemed to be in a trance not noticing their neighbours being snatched and dragged underwater to their deaths. The insects remained and the feeding continued, stupid bugs. Although, the ripples created by their hundreds of tiny deaths did have a calming effect on me, sadistic though it sounds. The way the ripples started out small and then expanded until many of them intersected had me mesmerized although I'm not quite sure why.

Seeing Takato surprised me. I had thought everyone left a while ago. I came out here because I wasn't able to face anyone inside. I wasn't used to anyone seeing me show any emotion aside from my usual calm, sarcastic exterior. I could show anger and I was learning happiness might not be so bad in small doses, but I guess I still avoided showing the weaker emotions at all costs. I preferred others to see my strengths. I've heard old habits die hard, seems that old saying is true after all.

Jeri came outside over an hour ago, or what I'm assuming was an hour ago. I'm not quite sure how long I've actually been sitting here. She left out the back gate and before she closed it behind her she waved and told me that everyone was calling it a night and they were getting ready to leave. She suggested I go say goodbye to everyone. I managed to gather up enough strength to wave goodbye before the gate latched behind her but that was it. I hadn't gone inside after that. I couldn't seem to get up off the floor.

Takato was still watching me from the doorway. I'm sure he's debating if it's a wise decision to enter without permission. I'm not in the mood for company at the moment but staying silent doesn't seem to have the desired effect of making him leave.

"I thought everyone went home." I stated, hoping he'd take the hint.

I guess he took that as permission enough to enter because the next thing I know he's sliding the door closed behind him and walking over to me. Stupid Gogglehead.

"Everyone else has left. I stayed to help clean up." he says as he sits, copying my position on the door-frame opposite to me. We're facing each other now and I start to feel uncomfortable. He's too close and I don't want him to see me like this. I bring my legs up out of the crossed position so I can wrap my arms around them, my personal barrier. That's much better even if I do know how irrational I'm being.

"Oh, thanks." I don't know what to say to him. I'm not even sure why he's here. And for that matter, I don't even know how he got in here. Renamon is usually pretty good at keeping others away when I'm feeling like this, not that it happens often. I'm usually way more put together which is why I hate it when this happens. I know by the time I wake up tomorrow I'll be back to normal. Maybe a little angrier than usual at myself for being so weak, but at the moment I can't help it. It's like this every year. My birthday has always been a sore spot for me. I've given up fighting this feeling on this particular day. It's like trying to stop rain from falling once it's left the cloud. It's impossible to stop it from crashing to the pavement below. It's the inevitable conclusion.

"I had Guilmon distract Renamon for a few minutes. I wanted to see how you were doing."

I'm surprised. He must have seen me taking peeks towards the main part of the house, looking for her. Oh well, it's not as if Renamon showing up now is going to change anything. Physically removing Takato now would be more trouble than I want at the moment. I'm hoping he'll just get to the point and leave on his own soon. I rest my chin on my knees and look back at my pond. I realize that this is technically my mothers house along with everything in it, but the backyard has always been a sort of escape for me and not even my mother corrects me when I call it mine. I notice its starting to get dark, twilight is settling in. I must have been sitting out here longer than I thought.

Out of the corner of my eye I see Takato open his mouth. I can't say I'm surprised this time. Takato was never one to be ignored and my silent treatment has been working less and less on him recently.

"Are you mad?"

I want to say yes. I want to tell him to leave me alone but I can't. I've made it a rule to try not to lie. I don't care what people say about me really so when I do speak I don't hold my true thoughts in. But right now I want to tell him I'm mad so he will leave and I can be alone again, but I can't because I'm not mad. I'm not anything. I don't feel like yelling or crying or anything like that. And I won't lie. So I close my eyes and slowly shake my head.

Even though my eyes are still closed I can hear him move, changing positions. It's a few minutes before he speaks.

"We've been friends for awhile now haven't we?" he asks. I guess he's in the questioning mood tonight.

Keeping my eyes closed I reply. "Mmhmm."

"And all this time of us being friends I don't remember you ever talk about him."

I keep thinking he's going to continue but he stays silent. If I couldn't still hear his rhythmic breathing I would think he left. I think I know where this conversation is going and as much as I really, really want to avoid it I still ask. "Who?"

"Your father." His reply is short and to the point and even though I was expecting it I still feel the sharp pain deep inside my chest. I used to hate the pain of remembering 'him'. At first I tried to get rid of it. I would scream. I would throw things. I'd even tried physically outrunning it. When I realized it wasn't going away I tried ignoring it. This worked most of the time. I could forget for days, weeks and even months on end of how much he'd hurt me. But this time I kind of welcome the feeling. Its been hours since I've felt anything except the drowning numbness. I'm glad to escape it, even for the sickening sharpness that's taken over.

I don't know what he expects me to say. I won't even talk about 'him' with my mom or grandma. I stay silent, unmoving.

"Did he die?" His voice is soft as he asks.

I open my eyes and tilt my head to look at him. He's now sitting, leaning on the outer wall. His body is facing straight out to the backyard but his head is turned in my direction. He's staring at me and for some reason I don't get that uneasy feeling like I want to shrink away or attack. I heard once that animals who are cornered will either fight or flight. I guess that's the feeling that's missing. It's usually present when Takato looks at me. I never knew what it meant but Takato is different from anyone I've ever known so I never really questioned it.

"No, he left." My voice is steady and I feel anything but. I keep staring at him, waiting for him to look away. He doesn't.

"How long?" Something has changed in his voice but I don't know what it means. Pity maybe?

"Years." Why am I telling him this? Why does he even want to know?

His brows furrow and he turns to look out at the back yard. I study him for a minute before turning my head to rest my cheek on my knees, looking out to my pond.

We stay like this for a long time. The sun continues to set and the sky is gradually getting darker. I almost forget Takato is still sitting in front of me as my thoughts wander again. Another year has passed and as I think back on all that has happened I realize just how many things have happened to me this past year. So many things, a lot of them dangerous and not one phone call asking if I was alright. 'He' obviously doesn't care.

The numbness is back. It engulfs me suddenly. It's overwhelming and I feel myself sinking into a nightmare world where a heavy nothingness grips me. The emptiness is surrounding me, crushing me. It's suffocating and I'm having trouble breathing; its never been this bad before. I'm confused, and that more than anything starts the panic rising inside me. My nails dig into the fabric of my jeans, but I can't even feel the pain I know should be there.

"Your mom stayed through the whole party today. I think that's the longest I have seen your mom stay in one place for."

I'm not sure if Takato is aware of the struggle I'm going through internally but his statement shocks me out of my stupor. I didn't expect it and I'm not sure where this conversation is going anymore but I can breathe again and I'm thankful for that. A quiet "Uh huh" is all the response he receives, but he seems satisfied with that. Before I can sink back into my trance he continues.

"I'm assuming since your mom has always been a very busy person that parties and celebrations were your dad's department." He's looking at me again. I'm not sure if he expects an answer since he said it as a statement rather than a question but I answer anyway.

"He used to go all out, presents, decorations, a big cake. The works.". I realize that's the most I've spoken all night, even if my voice is void of all emotion.

"Were you two very close?" I opened my mouth to tell him it was none if his business. I didn't want to talk about it. I didn't want to think of how good 'he' was, or how good 'he' used to pretend to be. I turned away from Takato as I felt a tear slip down my cheek. I hated showing weakness and crying was the worst form of weakness in my mind. It had been many years since I shed a tear for 'him' and I had vowed long ago to never do it again. He wasn't worth it. I knew this must have answered Takato's question but I couldn't allow myself to leave my weakness to answer him so I nodded as I lifted my arm and wipe the lone tear on my wristband.

When I was sure no more tears would fall I took a deep breath and looked up at Takato. He was still watching me. I wish I knew what he was thinking. He's too much of a mystery to me. Everyone else I could read in a second but not him. As soon as I thought I figured him out he would turn around and surprise me, again and again. I hate that I have no idea what's going on in his head. I'm torn, because there is a part of me that wants to know what he thinks, at this moment, as he watches me break down but there is another part that is uneasy about finding out the truth.

I begin to get annoyed, not with Takato but with myself. Where's the old me? I don't want to be this emotional wreck. I want to be as tough as steel, sharp cold and hard. Again I have the urge to tell him to leave. I contemplate yelling at him to get him to go. I know him well enough to know how to push his buttons. I know him well enough to hurt him with just a few words. He would be gone and I could be alone again. It would feel good to revert back to the uncaring, cold me, but I can't bring myself to do it. Not only has he just recently saved my life, he is also my friend, my first and closest. Although I might be new to the whole concept I do know you don't deliberately hurt your friends. But not only that, I don't want to sink back into that place that almost trapped me. I'm scared and I hate myself for admitting that.

Takato stands up and walks further out into the yard. He steps off the deck and approaches my pond. I'm not sure what he's doing but I can't look away. I want to know what he's going to do next. It's been a recent hobby of mine, to watch him. It didn't consciously happen. I just sort of caught myself doing it, my eyes would focus on him without me meaning them too. But that made sense right? I mean when someone continually surprises you at every turn it's only natural to want to understand them isn't it?

Takato stands in front of the pond, his back to me, for a long while. He then reaches into his pocket and pulls something out. I didn't get a good look at what it was, the sky and incidentally the yard has become too dark. I can tell it's small though. I'm about to ask what's in his hand, my curiosity getting the better of me but before I can he turns and smiles at me. It takes me by surprise. It's the first smile he's given me since he walked into my room. I'm not used to seeing him so serious for so long and I realize I actually missed his smile. I'll have to ponder that later, however, as Takato doesn't give me enough time to explore my new revelation.

"I haven't given you your birthday present yet." He reaches one hand up and scratches the back of his head as his cheeks turn slightly pink. I guess Takato hasn't changed so much. He is most definitely the same Gogglehead I've always known. He just acts a little more grown up at times.

Takato's holding a small rectangular box out in front of him. I still don't think I have the strength to get up and walk over there. I feel drained, both emotionally and physically and a part of me still wants to be left alone. There's just something about this Gogglehead that makes the other part want to go see what he got me. I have a feeling it's not the generic digimon cards everyone else got me.

The numbness that was threatening to suffocate me mere minutes ago is fading and for some reason I think it's him that's caused it.

"Come on Rika, please." There's something in his voice that strikes me and even though I'm not quite sure what his motives are I find myself standing up.

It doesn't take me long to close the distance between us. I'm feeling slightly light headed but I feel more like myself than I have since the party started. Takato holds the box out towards me a little more. Now that I'm closer I see that it's a plain red box. It's small just like I thought, less than the length of Takato's hand.

I take the box from his outstretched hand and slowly lift the lid. When I see what's inside I gasp.

"I know you're not into the girly stuff like makeup and jewelry or dresses but I thought maybe you would make an exception for this." Takato says as his face goes a darker shade of red.

It's a silver charm bracelet. It's not all that fancy and I'm assuming being a baker's son it's not real expensive. But "It's absolutely beautiful."

"You really think so?"

I hadn't realized I said that out loud. I know I must be blushing, I can feel my face heating up. I mean I just said a piece of jewelry was beautiful. What's this world coming to?

As I took the bracelet out of the box I was able to take a closer look at the charms. They were us. Not just Takato and myself, but all of our friends and digimon. Miniature heads, with remarkable resemblance to their real life counter parts, stare back at me. There were even miniatures of my mom and grandma too.

"I wasn't sure this would be the best idea for a gift for you. I know you don't wear a lot of jewelry but I just thought it would be nice for you to have something to remind you of all of us. And after today I think it just kind of fits." He's nervous I can tell. He's worried I dont't like it. Since I'm not one to sugar coat things very often I tell him the truth.

"I really like it Takato," I keep my eyes on the bracelet and let a soft "thank you" slip out before chancing a look at him. I can't help but ask the question nagging me though. "But why do you say it fits after today? I don't understand."

It took Takato awhile to answer. I was starting to get nervous now. "The thing is Rika, I've just begun to really get to know you. I mean like tonight when you told me about your dad. I could see how much it took for you to open up and talk about him." He pauses and watches me for a second. Probably waiting for my defensiveness to kick in. But I just wasn't up for that now I didn't have the energy, plus denial of this would be a lie. "He left you and you depended on him. I know this because I depend on both of my parents, and I know I would be crushed if either of them ever did what your dad has done. But you\re not alone anymore Rika. I don't expect you to change who you are, I wouldn't want you to. You're the strongest person I know Rika. I just want you to remember we're all here for you."

I opened and close my mouth. I know I have to say something, I just don't know what. I know I have friends and family that care about me. But I never knew Takato thought that about me. There was always something other people thought I should work on. Mom wanted me to be more girly. The girls at the private school wanted me to be more like them, like my mom. Even the other tamers thought I was colder than I should be. But I never knew Takato thought I was fine just the way I was. And I never knew he thought I was so strong. That's the one thing I've wanted to change in myself. I want to be stronger. I told myself I was strong everyday. I made sure everyone thought I was untouchable, unbeatable but, looking back, I don't ever remember actually feeling strong before I met him.

I've forced myself to be independent. I do things alone. I don't ask for help. I've been trying to make myself stronger because I don't want feel weak anymore. "You make me stronger Takato." It slipped out before I could stop it. I blushed at how that sounded and look away from him. "I mean you and the others. You guys make me stronger." This conversation has officially gone way past my comfort level. I sometimes wish I was one of those girls that could talk about their feelings. It would make awkward moments like these more bearable. I want to clarify what I meant when I said I'm strong because of my friends. I want to say that I've never had anyone that I could count on like them. That I never had anyone so fully behind me supporting me than them. And that knowing I can't fail them because they wont let me fail gives me more strength than any time I've scared off an opponent twice my size. I want to tell Takato that all this is because of him, because he was the first person to not give up on me. But I can't tell him any of this. The words that sound foolish even in my head, I know wont come out the way I plan them anyway. And because of that fact I can't wait until this day is over and I can search him out tomorrow and threaten him into forgetting this ever happened.

I look back up at him to see a silly smile plastered to his face. When I give him a questioning look he responds with, "Wait till Kazu hears he makes the Digimon Queen stronger. This is gonna make his day." He then turns and starts walking toward the back gate. I'm still standing by the pond dumbstruck. How dare he! I just tell him something so personal, which he has to know is a rare thing, and he's running off to tell that idiot what I said. I can't believe him. That stupid, annoying, inconsiderate, Gogglehead! My hands form fists at my side.

"Takato!" I yell. He doesn't even turn around. That's it! I take off at a full sprint after him. He must have heard me because he starts running as well. I chase him, but man he can run faster than I remember. I push a little harder as we circle my pond, coming to an open part of the yard, and gain some ground. His heels barely have time to lift off the ground before mine take their place. I reach my hand out to grab his shirt but when I close my fist it grabs nothing but air. Takato jumps to the side and clambers over the bridge towards the house. Without missing a beat I follow him. "If you repeat a word of this conversation to anyone I'm gonna hit you so hard you won't even remember your own name!" I'm winded but I think I still get my point across. He speeds up a fraction, yes I definitely got my point across.

I chase him for another minute, before he collapses next to the pond. I sit down next to him. Rika Nonaka does not collapse anywhere, it's bad for my image. I sit up tall and straight and do some breathing exercises to slow my heart rate, in no time I'm back to normal. I look over to Takato, he's laying on his back. The little light coming from the house allows me to faintly see the grass prickling the skin of his arms which are held spread out from his body. His chest rises and falls rapidly as small wisps of condensation leave his lips. The breaths he takes, unlike mine, are sporadic and uncontrolled. He's wheezing with every forced intake of air and watching him I can't help but laugh.

I must have startled him because he springs up to a sitting position pretty quickly. He just stares at me with the most dumbfounded look on his face. I laugh even harder. I put a hand over my burning abs and wipe tears from my eyes with the other. I can't stop laughing and I know it shouldn't be this funny.

I finally calm down enough to be able to take a burning breath. I end up gasping for air and I don't even care. I don't bother with the breathing exercises this time. I think I've officially ruined the intimidating Rika persona for now.

When I look over to Takato he's smiling and I smile back. I realize I'm still holding the charm bracelet in my hand. I look at all the charms individually. I can feel Takato's eyes on me and when I get to the miniature with a visor I scoff and glare up at him. His smile widens and I roll my eyes but I can't help that I find myself smiling too.

"Would you mind?" I ask as I take off my wrist bands and hold both the bracelet and my right wrist out to him. He takes the bracelet from me and clips it into place. His fingertips graze my wrist before he drops his hands back into his lap. I twist my wrist back and forth. The bracelet jingles a little before finding a resting spot. It doesn't feel as weird as I thought, wearing jewelry I mean.

Takato looks up at the darkening sky and I follow his gaze. There are a few stars starting to make an appearance. I take a deep breath in through my nose. I love the night and everything about it from the smell of it, to the shadows, the cool exhilarating feel of it. Night has a beauty all it's own. I was never one of those kids who feared the dark, I've always embraced it.

Like most nights as I stare up at the sky my mind begins to drift to other things. Night is the best time to think about the random things that have been floating through my mind. Sometimes I think about really important life altering things like what I would do if I ever lost Renamon for real. I never have a clear answer for that thought. Sometimes I picture what I would do if I were in Jeri's shoes. I can't blame Jeri for how she acted following Leomon's death I don't think I could have handled losing Renamon any better than how she did. I admire her for that. She was much stronger than I would have been. But there are other times I think about silly things like how much bread Guilmon actually eats in one day or how my mother puts up with that weird photographer for hours at a time. Silly or serious, both have a relaxing effect on me. I begin to realize how many things I do that have the effect of calming or relaxing me. Maybe I'm too high strung, but it's the way I've always been. I guess I'm used to it.

Tonight, I'm thinking about what my life would be like if I had never met Takato. The first thing that pops into my mind is loneliness. You know, I used to think I was fine on my own. I was independent. I didn't need anyone so that meant I was strong. It's been a long hard road but I've come to realize independence doesn't mean I have to be alone. Independence is a strength when you're forced to do something on your own. It helps you believe in yourself. It teaches you your limits. But it can also be a weakness if you start to believe your independence makes you invincible, that's where I went wrong. I believed nothing could touch me, that if I just worked hard enough there was no way I could fail. But failure is a part of life, just one more thing Takato has taught me. Through every wrong turn and bad decision Takato has clawed his way to the top. It's taught me that perseverance is more important than winning. Winning means your the best but persevering an impossible situation makes you stronger, makes you better than the best. I meant what I told Takato earlier, I'm stronger with friends whether they are cheering me on or giving me back up when I need it. I'd do the same for any of them. They may be annoying at times, some more than others, but I know I'm better with them than without. I'd still be a cold hearted, well bitch for a lack of better words if Takato hadn't befriended me.

Takato let's out a soft sigh beside me and I return my eyes to him. He's looking at the ground now. I think he's trying to figure out what to say to next, another question is my guess. He opens his mouth to say something but stops, changing his mind. He grabs a fist full of pebbles off the ground in front of him and stands up.

He looks down at me and smiles again. "I'll see you tomorrow Rika, alright?" I guess I was right about the question thing. He stares down at me, still smiling, until I nod my head and give him a small smile of my own in return. He then throws the pebbles into the water before leaving out the back gate. I assume Renamon has dealt with Guilmon by now since Takato doesn't bother to retrieve him. I continue to stare at the water where the fallen rocks have created more ripples. Again I watch as the small individual rings become larger, expanding until they start overlapping with others. I realize the ripples are like my life. I started off small and alone but as I grew my life started to become intertwined with the lives of those around me.

Even though I hadn't said much while he was here somehow I get the feeling Takato understood a lot of what I couldn't say aloud. For a Gogglehead he was pretty smart. Not that I'd ever let him know that. It might go to his head and we don't need another Ryo or Kazu in the group. Those two were more than I could handle.

For as long as I could remember I tried to avoid and forget about my birthday. I dreaded it for the simple fact that I could never get through the whole day without becoming emotional. And then the inevitable numbness always claimed me and it always made me feel weak. But as I think back on today I'm a little more optimistic. The numbness still came and although it was worse than I ever remembered it being I also broke free from it faster than ever before. I smiled and even laughed. I can't even remember the last time I did those things on my birthday before. I thought my dad had ruined it for me forever.

My thoughts freeze as I think about him. It's been a very long time since I've called him dad even in my own thoughts. It feels different but not really painful or uncomfortable. I'll never feel the same way about him as I once did. I don't think I'll ever really think of him as being a father to me but by avoiding calling him 'dad', that gives him the power. If I waste my energy hating him I'll never truly be able to forget him. I know I'll have to forgive him before I'll really ever be ready to forget what he did to me. The forgive doesn't come before the forget in 'Forgive and Forget' for nothing. I'm just glad I've finally figured that out, it gives me something to work on.

Even though its still my birthday I don't feel horrible like I thought I would. I feel like myself again and although I know the pain won't ever really go away, I have hope now. I believe one day I will be able to get through this day without feeling numb at all. Maybe I'll even get to the point where I enjoy and look forward to my birthday. I have a very strong feeling my new found victory over my birthday and my future improvement depends at least in part to Takato.

I look down at my bracelet and give my wrist a little shake until the goggle wearing miniature comes into view. I touch the charm lightly. Maybe, just maybe it wouldn't be so bad to let just one person in.


End file.
